To whom it may concern, a letter to all of you…

In my house, love was a commodity. You traded it, it was easily taken and rarely given. It was never given to complement, to inspire, to help. It was a reward for some task performed, a good job for services rendered in the duties ordered given to you… if you were lucky.

I love you. Three simple words. Easy enough to say, just never used. I recall the first time my father say he loved me (less than 2 years ago… no not 20, 2…) I almost threw up because I didn’t know how to respond and frankly the feeling was NOT mutual (see other posts on that one). Of course less than a year after that he told me to never talk to him again (yay for small victories).

Here in my ripe old age (we will say late 20’s) I realize that I have issues telling people that I love them! JOY! I also have problems with appropriate touch like a hug for example. That has gotten better over the years but it was an odd experience to have to ‘get over’ being hugged. I also didn’t get to tell the people that mattered the most to me that I loved them, I didn’t know it was an appropriate way to show affection. So I have no memories of telling my mother, who left when I was just a child that I loved her, or my uncle, who killed himself 7 short years ago that I loved him. Both of whom I loved very much.

So this is an open letter to all of you, each and every one of you. To anyone reading these words right now, this… is to you:

I love you.


Gabriel Alex

PS- Yes, that is in fact, my real name, I picked it myself and this will be the first time it is ever used here on Fallen. I wanted to be as sincere as possible, so this is my way of giving a piece of me to each and every one of you. Why do this? Because I’ve had a bad day, sure we have all been there. But my hope is that this will find someone who is also having a bad day and make it slightly more bearable.

34 responses to “To whom it may concern, a letter to all of you…

  1. Dear Alex,
    I just had to reply. I would like to Thank You for allowing me into your world and sharing painful childhood behaviors that our parents instilled in us. I can share with you growing up with a bipolar Mother. I was emotionally neglected and although abuse is a very strong word. She was in NO WAY
    any form of a positive role model. I have issues from eating disorder/body image issues, self esteem and the list goes on. At present I feel good about me this takes a period of time for continual positive reinforcements. I vowed that my children would know they are loved for who they are, and praised for all their accomplishments. I’m happy to say my 3 sons are happy within and we have a relationship that I cherish everyday.
    Your 1st paragraph hit me like a hammer to a nail. I’m compassionate to you having a difficult day, as I too. I engrossed myself in reading all the post’s I received. Along with letting all my writer’s know how much I appreciate their art. It does take time to over come challenges that were instilled in us as children. I’m delighted to hear that you are working through achieving inner peace to express yourself.
    ps.. In our home I “ask” my kids to carry out a task, not tell them.
    All The Very Best To You.
    Until your next post,

    • Aww 🙂 I’m glad you were self aware enough to not do the same things to your children that were done to you!! I’m also very happy that such a simple post could inspire you to write such a long and well thought out comment. I am truly honored! I have the same sort of issues unfortunately but here we are picking up the pieces of ourselves. I’m glad you found my blog and that you shared some of your story with me. I look forward to seeing more from your blog!! Thank you again 🙂

  2. Alex! You are so courageous and giving to us, your readers. I know enough about you by now – like the random texts just asking how my day at work was – to say that you are very much loved.

    • Aww thank you 🙂 You have definitely been a guiding light since I’ve found you, I’m lucky to be able to count you as a friend!

  3. I love you to the stars and back and oceans deep, and again a million thousands times.

    • I love you too Ma’am. I wouldn’t be where I am today without your support I have no delusions about that 🙂

  4. You house sounds similar to mine. I never heard I love you. I still have a hard time saying it and I can barely stand being touched for any length of time.

    All the best to you, Alex. ..

    • Aww 😦 I’m sorry to hear. You seem like such an awesome person too. It just is sad I guess. But thank you for the support and sharing that.

  5. I came by to pay you a visit and I discovered THIS. Some would call THIS a post. Doing so, would not be technically incorrect. However, giving THIS any one single name would be horribly wrong in so many ways. THIS is your heart. THIS is your pain. THIS is your wish. THIS is your confession. THIS is your end. THIS is your start. THIS is your past. THIS is our future. THIS is your connection. THIS is even more than you and I can mention.

    I know THIS was hard to give the world. For that reason, I want to show you that the world that your fear will treat you the same as the man who had the title of Father in your life; is actually very loving if you are aware of its acts of tender care. While it would be easy to just dismiss the meeting of us as chance. Perhaps it is. But my desire to believe that all the forces of evil I have encountered in my life must have a force in place to balance it out makes me believe us meeting was not just chance. I will give some evidence to support my belief.

    I started my very first blog just a little over a month ago. By chance, I came across a post the_Lunatic made that impressed me so much I introduced myself. By chance, she told me the reason for her blog was to be honest with herself and the world so she could hopefully get some power over her demons. By chance, I share her mission. By chance, the good impression she made on me made me to read her blog regular when most of the times I just allow the reader decide which blog will get my attention. By chance, I came across you through her blog. By chance, I decided to check out what you offered. By chance, I loved what I saw. By chance, On May 5th I posted the following on Facebook, “Billie Ann Howell-Zahir – One of the saddest things I ever had to admit to another person was the sad fact I did not know how to hug. Sure, I knew the mechanics of the process but my insecurities and fears made the act more painful than enjoyable. Recently, I’ve practiced more while letting go of my fears and insecurities. Now….I wonder how I survived without them. 🙂 By chance, you posted this on May 7th. By chance, today one of my followers told me they found you through me and was highly impressed. By chance, I decided to check in with you. By chance, I found THIS. By chance, while so many others shared pain similar to yours as a child, it is me who KNOWS the shame and burden not knowing how to be hugged and hug. By chance, I know from experience the constant torture I endure being a person who is so full of love for others it often overflows and looks silly yet I fear hugs still despite the efforts I made to embrace the act of hugging.

    I might be wrong…but what are the chances of all these chances happening to put me in place to write this to you in hopes to comfort?

    Thank you so much for offering THIS. THIS gives you more of an identity than any name given or chosen could. But to keep things easy…I will call you any name you feel is best.

    LOVE from me to you….

    • Wow, honestly I am at a loss of words. Thank you 🙂 It was incredible to read that and just one more reason I am thankful to be part of this community.

  6. I would like to join the love fest. I thank you for sharing some of your past. I started my blog a few months ago here on WP but have come to find that there are alot of others in this world that deal with the same, if not worse, issues than I. That meant I was NOT alone. And being alone has been a HUGE demon I’m batteling at the moment.

    Thank you for sharing.

    • The more the merrier!! I would like to add though that it is all relative. Your story isn’t any better or worse than any of us really, it’s just different. I’m sorry you have some of your own sad parts. But, no you are definitely not alone. And of course welcome to WP. Thank you for taking the time to post here.

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  9. Oh, Gabriel…or Alex.. I like Gabriel.. An angels name … Well, I grew up the same. I’m not a hugger or one to go around saying I love you at the end if every phone call.. My Sir was raised that way… It took some getting used to. I’ve given my Sir all hats…. Lover, Dominate, teacher, my family, my best friend. He’s my everything and fufills all roles. My parents told me they loved me probably after I moved out at the ripe age of 18… I was adopted and had a decent life. It could have been worse. I was a pet.. They loved me in their own little way. A lot of issues there! Took me a long time to get to this understanding. I try hard to be better with my kids… I have to think a lot and remember to hug and kiss and say I love you… It’s hard .. Sounds weird when I admit it but I didn’t grow up with it… So I try … Many other issues happened to me as a child that wasn’t fair and left a hole in my chest. I’ve come to know that I can’t fill that hole. It will get a scab on it and will get ripped off once in a while.
    Wishing you well…

    • Awww LittleK you are awesome!! Thank you for sharing that with me. Wow!! Oh god I know what you mean about kids, I try to hug and say I love you to children all the time (I don’t have any of my own but I volunteer a lot around them and they are kids they love everyone lol) and it is always so forced, even with my friends kids whom I’ve known forever (pretty much since birth) it’s the same way. Best of luck to you in the healing process. You are no doubt awesome with your children, especially if you are self aware enough to give them love like that!

      • Well, I wanted to let you know you’re not alone…. I know I’m not mother of the year… But I try .. Try to do better than my parents did with me. So, here’s to trying harder and hugging more. Sending you a virtual one right now! ❤🐇LK

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  11. Not everyone get’s the happy family childhood, eh? Mine wasn’t so peachy either. After many years, I’ve finally found healing – not just “some relief” – and I’m so thankful. Suicide attempts, self-inflicted injury, and all that junk has been a thing of the past for several years now. Life has become light, loving, and peaceful. May you also find healing for your soul.

    Praising Jesus

    • Thank you, I’m happy to hear you are doing better. I’m sure I will find my way, things like this just take time as I am sure you know.

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