I shake the bottle to hear the pills giggle around against the plastic. Force of some old habit I assume since I have no reason to do this. The lid twists off and I shake them out into my hand. Tiny green and white pills greet me with their seduction; their small size in relation to normal pill sizes makes my hand feel giant. I remove exactly one from the few I managed to get out.
I place it along with a few other pills into my mouth. “This is going to suck” I think, as I swallow the pills. I feel the even tinier balls loaded into the already tiny pill bounce around inside the capsule. A feeling I get to ‘enjoy’ as it goes all the way down. It is enough to make me gag, every time.
I’ve been on this medication over a week now. The headache caused from it is more than I expected. Although, in fairness, they warned me it would come. It hit like a ton of bricks the second day, directly at the base of the skull, pounding.
Pounding so hard it felt like my brains were going to splatter out the back of my head. After two days of trying to sleep it off it calms to a dull ache, a light throbbing on beat with the pace of my heart. By the end of the first week the dull throbbing enveloped my head, now the pulsing can be felt all the way from the base of the skull to the back of the eyes. I watch in the mirror as the vein in my forehead pulses in unison, I muse to myself that if only it stopped pulsing maybe the throbbing would too.
It’s already starting to work; I am feeling more in a dream than I am in reality. As if I am gently floating, my only indication that this is not a dream is the pounding. It could be the lack of sleep since the medication makes me drowsy.
However, despite my brains exhaustion my body will not allow me to sleep. Forcing me to be ready to defend myself, the memories of the past still etched in my muscle fibers, always ready to fight. It will be almost three more, long weeks before the before the Doc is sure that the medication is even doing the right things.
This is medication roulette, like the Russian kind but in this version, every chamber leads to a slow death. The odds stacked heavily against you but you keep pulling the trigger and dying just a little bit every time. You keep doing it because eventually you have to win; you have to find the pills that will make life, livable.
That is the game; the house always wins. You have an addiction, you need that fix; you need to live.