Fear and posting

I just finished writing a story. I was planning to post it but as I sat here and I thought better of the idea. It’s not ready, or more aptly I’m not ready.

It’s very personal and unfortunately very sad. Something that I have shared with no one save one person, not my counselors, not my friends, no one knows about this. Well there is one person, one who knows this story as I said, so that is a start, everyone else will have to wait.

So why bother writing this? Well now, I have this very real, very sad portion of my life on paper. It scares me. That is why I am writing this, to get out those feelings, to work through whatever it is that I have going on now.

Fear is a powerful motivator; I would argue it drives us more than any other feeling. Look at nature for examples of this or even our very own history. Fear can change the hearts and minds of even the best people.

What would you do if someone held a gun to your head?
You may or may not do anything depending on how scared you are.

What if we point that gun at your family, or the people you loved the most, how about your kids?
With the proper motivation, you would probably walk on water if you had to.

In his first inaugural speech FDR said, “… the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”

Maybe he was right, we have nothing to fear but fear itself. But then again there are things out there to be afraid of, my father for example.

I hate bullies, always have and always will. My father was a bully, always picking on people smaller than him. He would never hit me now, for him there is no sport in picking a fight with someone bigger than he is.

There are precious few things I am truly scared of in this world; I have an irrational fear of heights, which I overcome on a regular basis to the point where people are surprised. I am afraid of being maimed, anyone who has been to war will tell you that while they are afraid of dying the thought of being maimed is worse, if you are dead you don’t know it, maimed you will live.

However, at the end of the day, the thing I really am scared of is going into the bathroom, looking in the mirror and seeing my father looking back at me. Becoming my father is my fear, so I do everything in my power to be his antithesis.

This is one of many reasons I do not have children, I could never forgive myself if I ever treated them the way my father treated me.

I know fear; I lived with him.

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28 responses to “Fear and posting

  1. I, too, have done everything in my power not to be my mother. According to my eighteen year old son who has observed us both, I’ve done well. It can be done.

  2. I understand your fear, but you can decide NOT to be your father if you so choose. Having the experience of being on the other side of his antics has taught you how it feels to be bullied, so I doubt very highly that you would treat anyone else, much less your children (should you choose to have them) like that.

    • I appreciate that, it might be an irrational fear but it is one that sticks with me. Like some magical lightswitch will flip or something. I don’t know. But you are right I do know what it feels like and thats the last thing I would want to do to someone else.

  3. i haven’t followed for very long, but i already get a sense that you’re miles ahead of your father and all the other bullies you’ve had to deal with in your life. that alone means you’d be a much better parent than you give yourself credit for. making effort to do things is another clue to being a better parent. you don’t have to be a parent, of course, but if it were to happen, i get the feeling you’d have nothing to be worried about. seems to be, the best parents are the ones who worry about being bad parents – they are the ones who make the right effort – just a thought. 🙂

    • Thank you 🙂 I’m glad you’re following and I appreciate the words of encouragement. You are probably right, I shouldn’t worry so much, but as Erica will tell you I am a worry wart.

  4. It’s the secrets that will take us down… you don’t have to share it here, but release your soul and let it go somewhere.

    • Thank you, I will share it when I am ready, until then I’ve confided in someone else whom I trust more than anyone in the world. It will just take some time before I’m ready to let others know, but I will be sharing it.

    • Oh it’s on paper, well computer screen. That was the problem actually. But it’s out now and I’m feeling a bit better, it was just overwhelming to see again.

  5. Gabriel – I for one, would love to read it. I know from experience that when we write out our deepest, worst experiences it can be both cathartic and one of the most soul-drenchingly, fearful experiences life can offer.

    All the best,

    E.S.

  6. What is it you tell me? That I won’t become my mother because of my awareness? There will always be that fear, way deep down, that I will recreate the actions of my mom and dad; that I will destroy lives, walking around, becoming them. But you. You are gentle. You are tough. You are brave. You are open. You are intelligent. You are caring. You are giving. You are everything that your father is not. He failed. He fucking failed. You are not him, and as long as you continue to grow and care for yourself, you will never become him. You and I are our own, not them.

  7. Angel, you must have your mothers good spirit.. She’s protecting you by giving you that…
    I was adopted .. Didn’t really know unconditional love until my Sir… And then my children… I have to tell myself everyday.. I’m not them… I will not treat my children as they did me… I didn’t have great examples of how to mother but I try… I’m doing ok.. I’m not perfect by any means but I try hard and that’s all I can do…… I’m doing better than they did. So, you’re not your father! Not by a long shot!

    Hugs! LK ❤🐇

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