My time in prison – a VERY true story

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Please use caution when reading this, it’s watered down, but it very graphic and l deals with child abuse/rape. Like my Erica I ask that you be kind, this will be only the second time I share this with anyone and the first time I have written it down, she got to read it yesterday and it helped her open up about what happened to her. I didn’t think I was ready to share but she helped me by taking the first step herself so I am ready. Thank you my love.
Now on with the show…

“It’s time to go, you know the drill.” The warden says outside my cell door

I say nothing; of course, I know the fucking drill. This has been going on for months now at this point. Who would’ve thought a guy like me, life in prison. I would get out early for good behavior, well, if I was lucky. However, I cannot even think about that now. I have other worries.

The prison transport is the worst, cramped, the stink, and that is just the ride. Where we are going is its own private hell.

When we arrive, he throws from the car, the warden always likes to be rough with me when he arranges these little ‘trips’ and he knows he can get away with it at this point. He escorts me to my holding cell, a tiny room with no lights, windows or bathroom. Worse than my usual cell but thankfully I won’t be here for too long.

The warden brings a few of his ‘guests’ to come take a look at me. No one enters the cell, but they all stand by the entrance and whisper, then they leave. This is how it always starts, as far as I can tell they are negotiating price for the merchandise.

Heroin is an expensive drug and the warden cannot afford it on his meager income.  So using his connections, he arranges these little trips to get his fix, once a week, once a day, who can keep track anymore. Not that it matters.

The door opens; an older man walks in. Fat, greasy, balding there is a stain on his white shirt, blood, but he is the highest bidder I can tell since he’s first.

I struggle but the weight of him on me is too much. They could restrain me but the warden finds that they like it more this way, a little bit of a fight before the fun. Eventually he manages to get my pants off. I continue to struggle, they want a show, and I am going to give it to them. It’s not doing me any good but I have to at least try.

My motivation to fight is suddenly stifled with a knife to my throat and a warning about how easy it would be to let it slip. He carelessly pulls out the lube and applies some. I feel a distinct sharp pain followed burning feeling. I go limp and let him finish, the sooner this is over the better.

When he finishes I am lying on the bed. I feel sick to my stomach, but I don’t throw up… not yet at least. He zips up his pants and spits in my face before he walks out.

“Fuck you tough guy.” I mumble under my breath

I’m out numbered and who would believe a convict anyway, I would end up in a worse hell even if I could kill any of these little pricks and live to tell the tale.

A second guy
A third
Fourth

I lose count, I black in and out. I throw up and I’m left choking on the chunks, or maybe it was the cock I was choking on. I don’t recall exactly but it doesn’t matter.

When I finally wake up, it is morning; my body feels like it is on fire. No, it feels like I was run over by a truck and drug for miles, as if my body was covered in road rash inside and out. I sit up and immediately vomit. The already disgusting taste in my mouth is made ever so slightly worse by this.

The warden opens the door.
“It’s time to go.” He tells me as he throws a set of clean clothes a little too close to the vomit.
“Okay” I reply quietly

I stumble up and get dressed. The warden looks at his watch impatiently, taping his foot while I try to regain my balance.
“It’s time to go.” He says in an even firmer tone

He got what he wanted, so while he is rushing he isn’t quite as physical as he was coming. I walk out and blinded by the bright light of the day, I hold my hand up to shield my eyes. There is bruising from my wrist all the way down my arm as far as I can see. Dried blood, from where I’m not quite sure yet but it’s everywhere. The swelling in my hand makes it almost grapefruit size and that is just the left side.

I’ll get a shower when I am back in my proper cell.

I am paraded by a group of men around a table, one last look at their victory before I’m locked away again. Out the doors, through the gate and into the car I feel the gravel from the road pressed against my feet, the smell of the pine trees, it’s morning, or maybe afternoon. I’m not sure but it is day time and I am going back now, that is all that really matters. The nightmare is over… for now.

Of course, this routine would continue longer than I would like to remember, different cells in different prisons. It is amazing how much you are worth to the right buyers.

“We need to make a stop at the store; you are going to stay here.” The warden says

He probably needs his cigarettes or something, why he can’t wait is beyond me, that shower is sounding pretty good right now. I’m fighting the insatiable urge to burn off my skin and scrub until I’m down to the bone at this point.

However, all that comes out is “Okay dad.”
What else is an 8 year old supposed to say on his birthday?

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42 responses to “My time in prison – a VERY true story

  1. FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. We spoke last night, and this morning, and so I don’t know what else to say. My heart, fuck it hurts. You … I am so fucking sorry. So fucking sorry. I want to save you; so badly, it kills me. I want to go into this story and grab your hand and pull you out of it and into my arms and save you. But I can’t. I can’t and it is killing me. I know how hard this was for you to share, and how hard it will continue to be. I am in awe of you and your strength and courage and ability to be such an astounding human being after all of the evil.

    I love you. So much.

  2. I dont like having to push the damn “like” button about shit like this.
    My sexual abuse was only by my mother and when I was young. My Dad though, I am convinced now he was a sadist cuz what he did to my brother and I was savage.
    People like the warden and all those other sick fucks should be put on their knees, without blindfolds on and fucking wasted. Bring their families and make them watch justice taking place.
    My deepest sympathies go out to you. I cant understand your pain. I wish I could. I wish I could be like the guy in the Green Mile and come and take it out of your body for you.
    What I can tell you is thanks. For being so courageous to write your words out. I can only imagine how painful it was for you
    Respectfully
    Jim

  3. I want to save you too. I’ve been reading your blog for a little while and it just breaks my heart. I have a profound respect for you and all survivors. No child should ever have to endure what you went through.

  4. i can’t bring myself to “like” this post. it’s just too wrong in my mind BUT your courage to share this story is beyond words. your strength to endure and survive is incredible. “im sorry” just isn’t enough. i, like the other commenters, would take your pain away in a heartbeat if i could. if i still didn’t have work to do (city council meeting tonight) i’d be bawling my eyes out for you. im not a super religious person (though i am catholic) and i don’t want to get preachy or anything but i’ll be keeping you in my prayers for healing. im so so so very sorry this happened to you. it should never ever hurt to be a child. 😦 i sincerely hope this blog/telling your story is a way of healing for you.

    • Thank you, yes I find it very cathartic. I am always nervous as to the response I will get but I am glad I shared it. It’s my hope that the right person(s) will find this and know they are not alone.

  5. I agree, this is not a post that I can bring myself to like. I not only dislike but I hate the fact that this happened to you, even if I do not know you personally. I am so very sorry for all that you went through. My sympathy goes out to you and every other person who has ever been treated in this way. This is disgusting and no one deserves it, ever! It takes a lot of courage to write as you did and to share such a story, I hope it has brought some healing moments for you.
    Peace.

  6. I just want you to know I read it. You have been so brave to share your story. No one should ever go through that. I admire your courage in sharing and I wish you well in your healing. You deserve to heal.

  7. This must have been so hard for you to write and therefore it deserves peoples comments and recognition of the heart ache and pain you have been through and am sure are still going through. Healing thoughts to you today you are so brave to share this. xx

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  9. I have no words. It breaks my heart to know that there are such heinous people out there. Thank you for sharing this. Your strength and courage is astounding. Many Many Many hugs to you.

  10. I couldn’t bring myself to click the Like button on this. There are truly some sick fucks in this world and every one of those bastards deserves to have their dicks lopped off. I’m so sorry for what you endured and I hope one day the memories no longer hold you down and you free yourself from them.

  11. Its okay if I don’t ‘like’ this post, right? Because there’s not a bit about that story that I like, apart from the part where you made it through. Damn it, you’re so freaking brave.

  12. Dearest Gabriel,
    I only clicked on the “Like” button for site stastics only. There is nothing to “like” in what you have so generiously shared with us.
    I’m honored and touched that you have allowed/shared with me very painful incidents of your childhood.
    Please know that if I could hold your hand, and tell you what a wonderful person you are, I would, and I am.
    Please know I only Wish For You To Experience Joy & Happiness on Your Life’s Path.
    All My Love and Support,
    Anastasia

  13. you are beautiful
    you are special
    you are loved

    Sweet angel, I hope this truth can set you free……..
    xoxoxox

    As for “him”
    There is a special place in hell for monsters of this sort. Karma forever and eternity.

  14. Love is all around you. You can tell that little “boy” that he doesn’t have to hurt that way any more.

  15. Damn.
    I was not ready for that.

    Its a testament to your will that you aren’t in jail. A lot of children who are abused grow up to be molesters themselves. Or take the easy way out.
    It is good you found an person that provides love and acceptance and peace. Some people would doubt you could find peace by getting “beat/etc” for hours but we in the scene know better. Don’t let anyone give you shit for what happened all those years ago. I leave the question of revenge for someone wiser but I’ve always felt its better to move on and learn what you can.

  16. Beyond comprehension. Your father. Your pain.
    I will keep you, and Erica, in my prayers to the only One I know who might have any clue what you have been through and are still enduring. I just know it is utterly beyond my ability to understand. God keep you.

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  18. The first word that comes to me is, sorry. I am sorry you had to endure such physical, emotional and spiritual trauma. In the evil world we live in today your story is like many. Yet, many don’t seem enough to care to want to put an end to such an act of evil. My brother sits in a prison for raping his two daughters. I bein his first victim believed his daughters and everyone else turned away. How? A child doesn’t lie. I pray that God in HIS love wipes away your scars and pain. Many will blame God for not stopping this evil. It is not however an act of God that displays this twisted fate on others but the devil himself. I know because I was raped by one who appeared to be a man and turned out to be a demon. May you find the love and peace of Jesus. God be with you and all who were/are put in prison in such a way you were. God have mercy on these evil beings. Hugs to you.
    In Jesus,
    Cassie

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