Is anybody [really] out there?

I woke up in a funk today.

Bad dreams you see.

It happens a lot, not that I like to talk about them or burden my wife with the problems [even though I still do]. Most of the time I can shake them. This week has been particularly hard for the two of us, personal reasons that I don’t want to go into details about. Just aย LOTย of working through things from the past.

But it manifests in odd ways.

Today I’m obsessing over my stats. Yay, I have over 400 followers [415 at the time of my writing]. I’m really proud of that you see. I don’t think that every one of them reads what I write, not that a lot of it is worth reading but I am glad that there were that many people who thought I was important enough to follow.

Another like, another follow, one more comment to fuel my odd tick of the day.

But I still am stuck, with the feeling that no one is actually reading the words on the screen I write.
Why would you?
Who the hell am I?

Mental illness is a funny thing, sometimes you know it is happening, like right now for instance. But there is nothing you can do about it. I would relate it to a train ride, the train could derail and you would be stuck on it. Sure you would know what is going on, but you would have to ride it out to the end.

Today I’m in a fragile state, unfortunately so is my wife. So today will probably be particularly rough if things decide to creep up for her too. But judging by the dreams she had last night, it probably won’t be any easier for her. We will be there for each other, don’t worry about that, it’s what we do. But some days are easier than others.

So I sit and type this out, wondering if anyone will bother to hear what I am saying, maybe someone will relate. Who knows, I am hoping beyond hope that someone will read this, connect in a way that no one has ever been able to connect with that person and help them realize that they are not alone.

Because, frankly, I feel alone.

I also wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. I know that silence is a bad thing, that we should talk about things that are not so pleasant and my blog is full of not so pleasant stories from my past. Things that I was silent about, things that even when I wasn’t silent I was silenced about, even by the people claiming to be helping.

But for now I am sad and left to wonder

Is anybody out there?

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30 responses to “Is anybody [really] out there?

  1. Your words to not fall on deaf ears, but sometimes there is nothing to say. That sucks. Been there. Feel better. It all sounds so trite, even if the sentiment is heartfelt. I wonder if leaving comments like this helps or hurts?

  2. It’s rough when you have a day like that. It’s even more unfortunate when it happens at the same time as someone else you’re close with. No one can be strong all the time, and it’s harder when you may not have any choice. I’m sure you’ll both be there for each other and in that, you’ll come through today stronger together.

  3. I read every post you and E make.
    Every one.
    There is an old quote I love from a magazine article about the moon landings. It applies to much of life.

    “We are alone and not alone.
    And sometimes in the light.”
    -roger rosenblatt-

    Keep your chin up G.
    xo

    • Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m glad you enjoy our posts. And thank you for the lovely comment, it really helps keep me going sometimes just to have some support.

  4. when someone writes, he/she creates a place. a place that others with his/her ideology cling to. Your title caught my eye. I read it, and honestly couldnt relate simply because I am not in the same position as you, however what i could relate to was your sentiment, and thats when i realized, that in the grand scheme of things, in time and in space isnt that really the value of life for all of us? “Is anyone really out there?” be it wrong or right. I wish that your problems pass with ease and that things look up soon for you! and again, your sentiment is what is omnipresent, and im sure that there are many that you have spoken for through your work.

  5. I hope you BOTH know that if you ever need someone to talk to it’s as simple as logging into Facebook and sending me an IM. I have Facebook on my phone so I’ll likely get it. Also, my phone number is in my profile if either of you ever need to actually talk.

    I cannot relate to anything either of you have been through, but I can listen. That is one thing I can honestly say I do well. So, the offer is there, for both of you.

  6. I look for your emails . . . daily. I’m just me, but there is one you see?

    Your words resonate with me and I appreciate your writing very much.

    Thank YOU. Big Hug to YOU from Me.

  7. You’ve all the eejits in Ireland on yours and Looney’s side too ๐Ÿ™‚

    You might not think it, but your words will have helped more people than you know. They may never come back and tell you, you just have to believe. Not everyone has the courage you do to speak out about things, but you’ll have given them silent encouragement to take another step and that can make a huge difference to someone who perhaps feels as lonely as you ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Dear Gabriel, I hope this moment is better for you then the one before,and more and more. I pray that your angels will make their presence knownand comfort you. We have shared before and I love your words, all of them, don’t stop
    Peace,
    teri

  9. I can relate to this. I suffer from continual depression and there are days where it gets rough. I have been feeling so alone for quite a long time, without anyone to feel and be a part of.
    I am also wondering if there’s anyone out there.

  10. I read most of your posts…tend to skip over the poems just because poetry doesn’t hold my attention. We all have to get through the tough moments in life, whether something happened or just being in an emotional or mental mess. Then you pick yourself up (sometimes with the help of someone’s arm) and move on. Just make sure you both always pick up and move on.

    • Thank you and good advice. I’m actually feeling much better today thanks to the Mrs. But it was a rough day, she pulled me through it though thankfully and today seems like a great day for the both of us [yay!!].

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