I woke up in a funk today.
Bad dreams you see.
It happens a lot, not that I like to talk about them or burden my wife with the problems [even though I still do]. Most of the time I can shake them. This week has been particularly hard for the two of us, personal reasons that I don’t want to go into details about. Just a LOT of working through things from the past.
But it manifests in odd ways.
Today I’m obsessing over my stats. Yay, I have over 400 followers [415 at the time of my writing]. I’m really proud of that you see. I don’t think that every one of them reads what I write, not that a lot of it is worth reading but I am glad that there were that many people who thought I was important enough to follow.
Another like, another follow, one more comment to fuel my odd tick of the day.
But I still am stuck, with the feeling that no one is actually reading the words on the screen I write.
Why would you?
Who the hell am I?
Mental illness is a funny thing, sometimes you know it is happening, like right now for instance. But there is nothing you can do about it. I would relate it to a train ride, the train could derail and you would be stuck on it. Sure you would know what is going on, but you would have to ride it out to the end.
Today I’m in a fragile state, unfortunately so is my wife. So today will probably be particularly rough if things decide to creep up for her too. But judging by the dreams she had last night, it probably won’t be any easier for her. We will be there for each other, don’t worry about that, it’s what we do. But some days are easier than others.
So I sit and type this out, wondering if anyone will bother to hear what I am saying, maybe someone will relate. Who knows, I am hoping beyond hope that someone will read this, connect in a way that no one has ever been able to connect with that person and help them realize that they are not alone.
Because, frankly, I feel alone.
I also wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. I know that silence is a bad thing, that we should talk about things that are not so pleasant and my blog is full of not so pleasant stories from my past. Things that I was silent about, things that even when I wasn’t silent I was silenced about, even by the people claiming to be helping.
But for now I am sad and left to wonder
Is anybody out there?