‘Do I help you?’
‘Do I break through the darkness?’ she asked
‘Of course you do my love’
‘You shine too brightly not to.’ I responded reassuringly
That was the question she left me with, how.
We all need reassurance in life, being the victim of abuse[s] and living with someone who has had the same life, we both need a lot of reassurance from one another. Which is okay, we both understand why and are happy to do that, it is one of the many reasons we work well together.
Have you ever had that moment in life when you walk into a room, the same one you’ve walked into a million times before and suddenly, as if by magic, it looks completely different?
It was that feeling but with everything.
I got a new lease on life, thanks to her.
She was already outside her comfort zone, a new relationship when she swore them off [I must admit I did as well] being in love with someone, which was a new experience for both of us. The type of love we share, that is something special.
Then of course me begging her to move in.
I needed her you see, it had been a long search and it was over.
I greedily wanted to have what I sought after so hard and for so long with me at all times.
But she changed my life, for the better. Sadly she only knows now; not the man I was before her.
Insomnia, we’ve both dealt with it our entire lives. I would be lucky to get 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. Going to bed at 4am and getting up at 8 or 9 wouldn’t be all that uncommon for me. Falling asleep in class would be my normal even with a few energy drinks and it was very awkward… I snore. But she took that away, much like I did for her. Years of missed sleep a bad dream, it’s odd to think her tiny 5’2 frame, weighing exactly half of what I weigh that she would make me feel safe, but she does.
That is just the tip of the iceberg really.
She doesn’t see it, she only knows how I am with her so it makes sense that she would miss
The calm she instills in my head
The years and years odd ticks that vanished
The new outlook on life
No longer do I look to the future for my happy ending
I’m living it, here and now
The support she gives, it keeps me going
No, she doesn’t see the man who would be curled up on the living room floor in the fetal position crying because the weight he carries is too much for him to handle. She missed that same man breaking down, like he was walking through a constant wind of knives cutting him down every step he took. Gone was the man who some days couldn’t leave the house because he didn’t want people to see, to point, to laugh.
I was marked, I know I was.
‘You couldn’t save them, you pathetic piece of shit!!’ It was so loud in my head it was deafening
Gone, in an instant. A simple kiss, a simple hug, vanished.
A bad dream, all of it, just a bad dream.
There is a reason you are a star best beloved, you guided me out of that darkness.
It all ended when a beautiful person, a young girl, walked past, spun around, smiled at me, introduced herself and told me to hug her.
In that moment I was finally me, but most importantly, I was yours.