Every morning I wake up, I use the bathroom and wash my hands. I look up and see the reflection in the mirror.
I look small and fat.
Fatter than yesterday?
It doesn’t matter.
I’m still small, flat, shapeless.
My hips look odd.
My gut sticks too far out.
My pectorals aren’t shaped correctly.
The front delts are larger than my rear delts, I need to fix that.
The separation sucks on my legs, need to work the quads out more to correct it.
My morning routine, shortened.
I’m not proud of it, I’m not proud of the fact that at 155 pounds, starving myself to near death from depression I latched on to hope of a better life through bodybuilding and fitness. Now at a little over 240 pounds I look in the mirror and I still see the same old 155 pound Gabriel looking back at me.
My wifes sister, upon first meeting jokingly referred to me as ‘buff daddy’.
My wife looks at me and says ‘You can’t tell me you don’t see that your huge.’
‘No, really, I don’t’ I answer sadly
The funny thing is she wears my tee shirts a lot, she is half my size and they look like tents on her. I still don’t see it, I’m not even sure how I fill out those shirts.
On a good day, I will think I look average.
On a bad day, I will have to fight the urge to lift in the gym, figure out my macros again and rework my game plan for the hundredth time.
Years of my progress collected in books. The past 5 years of workouts, feelings, how long each one took, how much weight I used, how many times, each of the exercises, meticulously logged and kept in the hopes that I can find the secret I so desperately need.
Body dysmorphic disorder, the name of the beast that greets me every morning in the mirror. Or more specifically in this case a subcategory called adonis complex.
It’s gotten better, I can almost stomach the reflection that greets me in the mornings, I can almost ignore the feelings. But I am always still formulating a plan in the back of my head.
I have very specific measurements I want for my body. Not that it will help and it will be subject to change when I hit them… again. However, I have to play the game, please understand I have no choice.
So tomorrow I will wake up, get out of bed, use the bathroom, wash my hands, look in the mirror and start the process all over again. I’ll tell myself to focus on squats, rear delts and working my chest when I’m in the gym.
Maybe the next time I will see who I want to see in the mirror
Maybe, but not today…