The past

I would think that everyone has had at least one person say things like, ‘Don’t live in the past’ or ‘You should’ve gotten over that by now’.

The past has a funny way of making itself known in the present. Funny feelings, bad dreams, somehow, someway, the past comes back. Running is an option, so is coping which is what a lot of people do.

Really, it depends on the past. If your childhood reads like a horror novel then it isn’t a surprise that it would haunt you, after all the villain never truly dies at the end. So it shouldn’t be a surprise that most trauma victims run from it, hide with drugs and alcohol  or self harm.

Sometimes the past is like a secret, one you keep because no one would understand it. Sometimes you are worried that no one will believe you, especially since in most cases no one believed it was actually happening.

Then there are those that are silenced because they are triggered. Not having a voice as a child can make it very easy to not have a voice as an adult. When you are feeling like a child, no matter what age, it is easy to revert to past behaviors.

Feeling that icy grip of the past and not being able to shake it free, you might as well be in a horror movie. Sometimes the scariest things aren’t Freddy Krueger, or Zombies. No, the scariest thing is adults who are supposed to love you, doing things to their own child you wouldn’t do to a dog.

The scariest thing is that these people get away with it because the crime it too horrific. No one would believe it and even if they did, no one would dare say anything for years. By the time it does come out it is met with ‘what took so long?’ and ‘why now?’ instead of compassion.

Now that sounds like something out of a actual horror film doesn’t it? The victim of some evil menacing thing being looked at like they are crazy. Welcome to the world of the abused children, it is mostly silent, we are your neighbors, friends and family. We are people you have known your whole life or even grew up with. We have a past that haunts us every day but we know better than to talk about it.

After all, no one believed us.

7 responses to “The past

  1. I am so sorry for all of the pain that you feel Gabriel. The kind of trauma that you have dealt with is beyond my comprehension, the abuse that you suffered, unfathomable. I do believe, in reading some of your writings, that you are bigger than this monster and that regardless of the damage, you are a person with so much love to give. In those dark moments, know that you despite all of the wrongs that have been inflicted on you, you have risen above that time, you have slayed the monster & you can become whoever you chose to be. You have much to give Gabriel, I hope that above all else, you see that. Hugs:)

  2. It takes a strong person to hide something for years out of fear. But, sometimes, it takes even more strength to admit the things you have hidden within yourself. I do hope you can continue to talk about it, the message is one that must be heard. ❤

  3. That is awful. And yes the past lives in us….it sets our ways of feeling, and it just seems so hard to shake that….

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