You would be so proud of me; I’ve finally found the woman for me.
I’ve searched for you, so hard and for so long. I felt like if I could just get to a high enough mountain top, if I could just stand in a big enough crowed, if I could just make enough noise, I would turn around and find you, standing there, smiling and wondering what all the fuss was about.
I tried so fucking hard.
I have tried to rip you out of my brain like a cancer. In the hopes that one more pill would be the answer, that I could just erase what you never were and start over new, because the truth is I didn’t need you. I didn’t want you, I was done. I didn’t care that you could just abandon your son. I didn’t care that I find you in my thoughts far too much because I can’t ever remember the feeling of your touch.
I moved on with my life… but you’re still here.
I can’t get rid of you, I need you. I’ve always needed you and that is the sad truth. I’ve longed to have you home. I don’t need anything from you. All I wanted more than anything in this world, more than anything I’ve ever wanted was one more hug. I’ve searched so hard for the day that I would find you and you would wrap me up in your arms and tell me ‘I love you.’ It is what drove me for so long. It was what kept me going despite everything that has happened to me, despite how ferociously I was beaten by the choice you made to leave me behind, I still believed in you. I believed you would come back for me Mom.
I didn’t blame you for the things that happened after you were gone. The rape, the abuse, abandoning me, I didn’t blame you. I didn’t blame you for breaking your promises after you left. I didn’t blame you for the one and only phone call you ever made to me after you disappeared. I didn’t blame you for running from my father and leaving me to take the brunt of that aggression. He told me you left because of me, he told me you would never love me the way he did and after the years of abuse I took from him, I still didn’t believe that it could ever be your fault. I didn’t blame you for choosing drugs over being a parent. I didn’t blame you for the mental illness that followed or leaving me with a man who isn’t fit to own a dog much less raise a child.
I didn’t even blame you for the fact that I couldn’t trust anyone in my life, that the woman who I love, my wife, can have her skin pressed against mine, with no physical space between us and still feel like a million miles away. I didn’t blame you for the constant fear that when someone walks out the door or out of sight that they will never, ever, come back. I didn’t blame you for causing me to never believe a promise, I didn’t blame you for what my grandmother had done. I never blamed you for anything, none of it, not a fucking thing.
Because in my eyes you were perfect, I loved you and I wanted so very much to be a good boy in the hopes that you could love me back.
I needed your love so very much. I spent money, oh have I spent money, looking for you. I’ve spent time and I’ve wasted my life looking so hard for you because I needed you. I needed you home because if I had you home then maybe I could be loved, maybe the woman I love so much can actually love me back. Maybe it wasn’t me, maybe it was just bad luck.
Mom, I’m beaten, warn down from the fight. I’ve searched so long and hard for you and you were never found. I feel like I’ve walked through a sandstorm this entire time, like you’ve been right in front of me if I could just open my eyes and see you. Maybe I’m just not strong enough, maybe I am giving up too easy, maybe I haven’t searched hard enough, I don’t know what to do now.
You broke me, Mom. You broke me.
I’ve cried so much over you, I won’t even try to lie. But not right now, right now I am done looking. Mom, I’m married now, you would be so fucking proud that I found the woman of my dreams and the way she treats me, you would be jumping up and down with joy for me.
But you left, and that is your fault not mine.
I don’t blame you for leaving, hell since we are being honest, I don’t even blame you for not coming back. But I blame you for making those promises, I blame you for leaving me with that man, I blame you for not making sure we were taken care of after you had gone. You were so busy worrying about yourself that you forgot to think about us.
‘Her mental state was so bad, she thought you were abducted’ my Aunt tells me.
And really, I was mom. But you could’ve stopped it, if you had just taken me with you. If you had just put a little more effort into your child than into the drugs, if you would’ve just been a parent and not a full-grown child yourself. You walked out the door promising you would be back and I am still waiting mom, I am still waiting for the door to open and for you to be there. It is so hard for me to believe it wasn’t my fault you didn’t come back, I struggle with it so much.
It’s hard to believe that the spoiled little boy that you walked out on wasn’t the reason. That the little boy was good enough, that he deserved your love and support, it’s hard to believe he wasn’t the reason the door closed and never opened up again.
The saddest part is that I will probably will always wait for the day that the door opens and it is you on the other side. But I’m married now, and while she isn’t you, she doesn’t need to be and the promises she makes she keeps. When she leaves, she comes back to me Mom, which is the scariest thing I’ve ever had to do, I have to hold my breath until the door opens and she is home again, but she is worth it.
She comes home, to me because we are each others home, and you know, if home for you was not with me, then maybe you are not the Mom I remember. But I know with certainty, that no one will ever love you, as much as I loved you, no matter what happens I will never forget you, believe me I’ve tried, but it will never happen. However, it is time to move on, I doubt we will ever see each other again and while it breaks my heart, I blame you for that.