Sometimes I live in my head as the world passes me by, well before I catch up to what is going on around me. Sometimes I forget which reality is mine, not that I ever truly enjoy any reality that I seem to find or more aptly, that seems to find me.
I told her I am a bad person.
Not that she believed it, it’s not like I chose to be that way. I just never seem to do the right thing at the right time. So, when push comes to shove I push instead of pull. It’s all I’ve ever known, push people away before they do that to me.
Sound logic… right?
How does a person look at someone they claim to love and lie to them? I don’t know but somehow I manage it well enough. No one is perfect, but you think I would learn after the first mistake.
You would be wrong.
People cope in different ways, today’s problems never get to me because years from now will be better. I look so far into the future that I forget to see today.
I’m stuck perpetually looking into the future, a better future, a reality I will never see or have but one I want. Today stresses me out, don’t get me wrong, the now is always stressful. But tomorrow, or months from now offer me peace that I will never find in the moment.
Looking in the mirror I see someone who has been down ever wrong path, made every wrong turn and made every mistake a person could make, twice. I am disgusted with what I see to the point that I can’t do it for long and I don’t honestly want to do it.
I would argue that there is something wrong with me, that I am broken or bent or just damaged goods. But that would take away from me, from my responsibility as an adult.
I fucked up.
That is all there is to it. It’s my fault and it makes me sick. Tomorrow offers me a better future, something that right now does not. But tomorrow is always tomorrow and today is never what I want it to be.
In the blink of an eye I was a child and now an adult, I’ve done things, seen things that I shouldn’t have done or seen. I’ve fallen more times than I can count and I never seem to get all the way back up.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I’ve got a lot of apologies to make.
But they are my mistakes, my faults, my problems. Things I’ve done and things that have been done to me. Maybe that is the only thing that I’ve been missing, some accountability.
I’m not a good person and people can’t change, sure they get better at hiding it or doing things differently but they can’t change. So maybe I will always be a bad person, maybe I will never figure out this whole ‘life’ thing. But that will be my fault, my doing.
This was the hand that was dealt to me, it is shitty, it sucks and I have not had a break since I was born. I got so good at bluffing with that shitty hand, that I forgot that I can fold before the stakes ever get too high.
I’ve told a lot of stories here, I’ve written a lot about myself. But this is the untold truth of it all. A lot of the bad things that have happened in my life are mostly my fault.
Sure it takes two, or more, and we all should have family that loves us and treats us right. But that is no excuse for the way that I behave, if it was then that would give me a free pass to be a burden to the people around me without giving them the right to be upset for it.
I’ve told you a lot, but the untold is what I really want to say.
I am sorry. I screwed up and it is my fault so anything that I get for it, well that is on me. I don’t need pity, words of support, or useless platitudes of encouragement, I just want to tell you that, I am sorry.
And to my wife, I hope you can forgive me. I hurt you and that is never okay.