In Search of Serenity

Lora zombie

New Years, the day we look back at the year before and make meaningful, if not very deliberate ‘resolutions’ to change things about ourselves that we are unhappy with. We look to a smaller waist line, or how to fix those annoying quarks about you and I that keep us, from what we perceive to be our true selves.

It’s a time for [not so] quiet reflection. Typically, it is done over one too many drinks and  the promise of many more to follow. We regret the things we’ve done, or in most cases haven’t done and we let our imagination soar; thinking about how the next 365 days will play out.

I’ve spent my whole life looking for a better tomorrow. So I’m left with a bitter taste in my mouth when I think about how I want this next year to play out. It’s how I’ve lived, looking to tomorrow, because I had no reason to be excited about today.

Looking at years past would be pointless too.  Thinking of all the bodies that have piled up in my lifetime, a stay in a mental institution, and several hospitalizations. There are few things that have been worth remembering in my life.

Sure it sounds depressing, but it isn’t. The best laid plans of mice and men…

This year I just wanted to be single, not think about the rest of the world, and just focus on me. Well we all know how that turned out thanks to a certain Loony. We can dream all we want about what the future holds, or mull over the past and cry over missed opportunities, dreams lost and things never started, but life still somehow leaves you surprised.

Do I have goals for this year?

Of course I do. as should everyone. We all need to know the general direction we are going or risk being adrift in the sea of life. But right now I just want to focus on my wife, sitting next to me, the life we want to build together and the feeling of happiness I get just having her close.

You can spend your whole life trying to fix or mold yourself into something you want to be and it wouldn’t be a life wasted. For me, right now, I just want to be. Existing is special enough, and although I have more than just a few inches I want to lose around my waist, I have an annoying habit of not being able to focus on one thing for more than a few minutes, and I want to change the world…. I just want to focus on now.

I want to breath in the moment, take in the amazing fact that we even exist in this universe and just spend time with my wife, the one person who has, single handily made me feel like a human being again.

New Years resolution? Who needs one?

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7 responses to “In Search of Serenity

  1. Pingback: How paintings and a potpie saved my New Year | Life of A Fallen Angel·

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