My fellow Citizens of Earth, it is time for the first ever 2014 State of the World Address. Lots of stuff [a technical term I am assured] going on that I think needs to be addressed and put into context. So let’s set aside the the imaginary lines on the ground claiming the land as ‘ours’ and let’s focus on the big picture.
Where to start…
Russia, new[ish] tough Anti Gay laws have passed making sure that no one can talk about or advertise the ‘gay agenda’ or even just being openly gay.
North Korea launched 6 missiles, 4 one day and 2 a few days later in protest of the joint US and South Korea military exercises. After being told firmly to stop it or you’ll be grounded by the US, Kim Jong Un stomped off angrily to his room crying, when asked for a comment he had this to say, ‘Nobody ever listens to me!’
Not to be outdone, Russia decided to launch a single intercontinental ballistic missile, just because they could. Then occupy Crimea, because they thought it would be funny to rub it in Kim Jong Un’s face.
In response to the rising tensions in the region, China has decided to increase it’s military spending by 12%. Just show they are bad asses, the US said ‘Screw it’ and is reducing military spending, along with the size of their armed forces.
China also pledged to do something about the smog, but argued that it provided a unique solution to any foreign attackers. Because really, who would want to invade a country when it looks like this?
China later admitted if an attack came now they would never see it coming… until it was about 5 feet away. Of course this assumes you could actually live long enough to get to China while breathing in the smog.
America has had a lot going on with it, dealing with North Korea and Russia. President Obama has threatened tough sanctions and a stern finger waving at Russia for trying to take over Crimea.
Because this is the 28475029.7th time North Korea has tried to do something just to piss people off, President Obama did the worst thing he could think of, give Kim Jong Un the silent treatment.
To end it as quickly as possible, Kim Jong Un has stopped launching missiles and is now just putting a finger really close to President Obama, all the while chanting ‘I’m not touching you!!’.
Of course the US has it’s own set of problems, Arizona has attempted to pass a law allowing businesses to refuse service to gay couples claiming religious freedoms.
Eyes where firmly on Arizona as the law was struck down, at which point a sigh of disappointment could be heard in all of the South. Afterwards they went back to hoping it’s possible to find some constitutional reason to not serve someone who is different, you know since segregation is against the law too.
Several states have finally supported same sex marriage laws, although several states have decided to pass laws banning same sex marriage, citing that it is just ‘weird’, ‘different’, and makes marriage mean less. You know, since marriage is about a man and a woman and has nothing to do with love …. or equality.
A few states offer now domestic partnership laws, saying… ‘Well it’s separate but equal, so that works for you guys… right?’ No one has challenged this train of thinking, because it is obviously a completely new and unique idea. Once more, this has lead to outrage from the south, who was quoted saying, ‘Why the hell did that not work for us with the blacks?’
Global warming is reaching new heights with the major economic powers promising to do more to end pollution. With ever changing weather pasterns, more powerful storms and food supplies at the mercy of the weather the price of certain foods have fluctuated wildly.
Despite all the evidence and scientific backing showing that global warming is a man made issue, there are still people who believe that global warming is just a lie. To which the scientific community just blankly stared and said ‘REALLY?!’ Followed by Bill Nye running into the room slapping one of them.
With that fellow Citizens of the planet, this is the end of the state of the World address, I hope that I have managed to bring everyone up to speed on what is going on in the world today and do your best to avoid Bill Nye if you are against the idea of global warming. It wouldn’t be pretty, he’s thin but surprisingly strong.